Ponder and Wonder

A weekend of pumping last minute revision for Management Mathematics filled me with hopes. Felt confident that I must have understood the essence of the questions that I had been cracking my brains over the past few days. With the addition of help from a friend to enhance my understanding of past year questions, wherest thou grounds for doubt in failure?

Alas, hopes were meant to be dashed. Thus reinforcing the clarity of proof that revision can never be enough. Or rather never trust pride, especially on your weakest subject. A glance at the paper in the examination hall raised the initial hopes for the topics which I studied came out as predicted in 60% of the paper, a hope which fuelled my desire to score. As the reading continued into further details, glooms of despair clouded my being of conciousness and I slipped slowly into the sinking depths of oblivion. Deeper and Deeper, resisting an impulse to tear the paper and loudly declaring I have never appeared in the examination hall at all.

Furrowing of brows as I stroved to decipher the ambiguous meanings that eluded my sense of comprehension, silently muttering a prayer that I would swear off all future symptoms of undevoted efforts to doing the right priorities. Chanting after chanting of self-encouragement. "I will not fail, I will not be defeated by these questions. I have not come so far just to be defeated by this one single paper."

Slowly but steadily the brain registered the strong pulsing of the heart and drove itself ever further to boost additional intelligence, despite having exhausted itself from a full 16-hour ordeal of revising and revising past year questions. The slight throbbing increased in volume and the breathing came in slight but short breaths. The grip on the pen intensified whilst the lips went dry. Slowly but steadily the pupils strained itself to scan the questions over and over again, to decipher the greek codes and to attempt the question - step by step. Slowly and steadily the writings appeared on the answer sheet, increasing the confidence of the examinee in seat no. 399 of the Expo Gateway Hall 7.

The announcement came, the flurry of examiners descended upon the multiple rows of students. Some were tying their answer sheets, some were simply sitting back into their seats staring into blank spaces. If the eyes are the windows to the soul then they must have been attacked by a vampire. The glazed look, the pale skin and the absolute stillness of their frame. Drained. Defeated. Devoid of life.

As I paced my footsteps outside the examination, my mind was screeching a thousand "what ifs" and waves after waves of self-reproach was heaped upon my conscience. Like the deadly tsunami that claimed so many lives in 2004, this tidal terror of bereavement. As the song of Corrine May's "Fly Away" sprung into tune inside my head, the height of the tide rose to impending heights threatening to drown my conscience in a everlasting world of underwater twilight.

Ponder and Wonder. Shuffle and Shrug. Not knowing where to go.

Encouragement, came in an SMS which left me wondering if there must be an angel watching over me. "One last paper, all is not lost. All the best to your final wednesday paper!" Perhaps, the timing could not be more perfect. Or rather, it could be just a coincidental SMS from a classmate who wants to encourage everyone in her contact list. For now, I shall indulge in a small bout of self-delusion and spur my tired spirit for one last lap.

All is not lost, perhaps.


P.S. Special thanks to Sherry who accompanied me for a simple late lunch. Your company was the mitigating factor for the smile on my face.